Endlessly searching for “a good black man” is tiresome not only for black women. Finding a committed and loyal brother has become even more unlikely since the explosion of hookup sites and gay dating apps. Fact is, while you’re not looking, he’s already back on Grindr trying to fit in another sexual exploit on his way home. So is black gay love dead and all trust eroded?

We Don’t Date Anymore

Dating seems out of the question in these modern time. Even when two people enjoy spending time together, no one wants to commit. Well, there just might be something better around the corner, eh? The best you can hope for these days is a semi-regular f**k buddy until he finds a bigger tool elsewhere. And, like buses, a bigger appendage is always somewhere around the corner.

Earn money as an Airbnb host

But building a future on the strength of cock size or ‘hot’ sex is hardly the basis for a lasting relationship. Yet you can’t tell most gay men that particular truism. It’s all a bit of a mess really between the brothers on this side of the Atlantic. So, what does a self-respecting UK black gay man do?

The only black gay men many of us ever see in long-term gay relationships are those dating white partners. We try, therefore, not to doubt that brothers are out there who have been happily wedded to each other for decades. But if they exist in the UK, we never see them. Except, perhaps, the odd recently coupled duo looking for a threesome online. But each one of them might well be coupled with someone else by next month.

Looking to America For Answers

We Brits tend to look to America for everything. Things are always infinitely better over there, we tell ourselves. So, we never give a chance to anything that may be right under our noses at home. In the past, many of us used to flit over to New York, DC or Atlanta on a regular basis. However, we’re well into our middle-ages now and the diminishing returns are hardly likely to justify the means when we calculate the full cost of two weeks’ bedhopping.

Despite their greater numbers, even our African-American black gay cousins are experiencing connectivity issues in this new digital age. Wasn’t it the American blitz of Black Breeders and barebacking brothers hooked on porn that started this new “B-B-C” craze for disconnected sex in the first place? I dear say, that’s another story for another day, perhaps.

We Don’t Know or Love Ourselves

Few of us really believe that loving black gay relationships can exist this side of the pond. “I don’t do black” some British black men will tell you on A4A or any of the apps. Weird how disconcerting that still can be even when you hear it so frequently. I’m still trying to figure out what it is about Great Britain that makes British-born black people stop wanting each other in such large numbers.

Maybe it’s the same old divide-and-conquer rule from the days of empire at work. It’s hard to tell. Representations of black men on TV still always show them hankering after white females. Unlike America, British society regards mixed-race couplings as a sign of racial progress. The racial progress I would like to see in our society would show successful black couples just as frequently as anybody else.

What we do know, however, is that a majority of black men, especially those of Caribbean heritage, tend to favour relationships with people from other racial/ethnic groups. This tendency to date ‘outsiders’ is not reflected in any other section of British society to the same extent. It would seem that British black people do have a problem dating each other and that this is true whether they are straight or gay.

Unsupportive Black Gay Networks

It seems we’ve always thrown shade in black gay spaces in Britain. The places we inhabit as black gay men have always been filled with tension and barely concealed bitterness towards each other for as long as any of us care to remember.

It didn’t really matter whether we were at a private house party or in a commercially-run nightclub or bar. Once you had filled a place with black gay men, there was always a sense of envy and competitiveness that both repelled and attracted us in equal measures. It’s the unpleasant vibe that kept many of us away.

Even today, some of the places that claim to support black gay and bisexual men are extremely cliche and unwelcoming if you don’t happen to be part of the in-crowd. On a professional and personal level, these black gay support networks remain unbrotherly with every man for himself.

Fetishism and A Crisis of Connection

With many resources moving online, a lot of gay spaces have closed in recent years. The network of black house parties that used to sustain us has largely fizzled out. Funding no longer exists for sexual health promotion projects that target black gay and bisexual men with events and activities to help bring the community together. There are no physical spaces in which we can meet and socialise beyond the odd club night for teeny-boppers every second blue moon.

Since brothers don’t engage much with each other online, white gay men have been out in force hunting for the next big black cock. Many of us might feel flattered by the attention of men who otherwise cross the road to avoid us in the streets. Even I only ever seem to attract white men online these days. I guess it’s a sign of the times, and even so, it’s always purely about sex. They don’t even say “hello” anymore. It’s just straight in there now with “how big are you?”

Or maybe a picture of his gaping arsehole and the words “breed me” or “horny” with or without a question mark. “My boyfriend wants to try his first BBC,” one messaged me last week. “I bet you’re huge!” I could write on my profile ‘Black Men Only,’ but I think that’s a step too far. Yet, I wonder why white men think it appropriate to send me unsolicited pictures of them taking anonymous big black c**ks. As if to say, I’m really down with the brothers. Does that approach ever work for them?

Ain’t No Love in Black on Black Hook-ups

When I do attract a black man on the apps by what may seem a strange fluke or miracle, it can be even worse. I’ll literally just get a picture of a prick with no face pic or introduction at all. And that’s not life, is it? I mean, what happened to our natural connection? Where’s the brotherly love? It’s as if the sexual demands of white gay men are dictating the behaviour of black gay Brits, affecting how we see ourselves and each other.

Some point to a similar dynamic among a reported 48% of straight black men in inter-ethnic relationships, usually with white female partners, and who raise mixed-race children in a bid to fit into British society. Except that with gay men there are very few relationships going on between the races, it’s just sex. It’s as if the black men are only walking dildos to be used and discarded at will.

Perhaps my British brothers love to see themselves as the “Big Black Buck.” Sadly, the Mandingo or Black Brute of white imaginations does nothing to fuel my fantasies. Drug-fuelled interactions don’t help the situation, either, and only further highlight a growing crisis of connection with hookup apps. It seems clear from brief interactions online that both black and white gay men are watching far too much porn.

Don’t Blame the Dating Apps 

You would think that gay dating apps should be more useful in connecting men who want more from life than a string of one-off casual hookups with random strangers. I can’t be the only brother in Britain who is tired of receiving butt naked selfies of white men on their knees spreading their ass cheeks apart and enquiring about the size of my BBC.

Don’t get me wrong, I am just as unimpressed by the comparatively few c**k pics I receive from black men alongside an introductory “Hi” if any message at all. When you’ve seen one stiff dick, you’ve seen them all. At fifty-six years old, I’m interested in something more meaningful than another quick roll in the sack with yet another horny man.

Who would have thought I‘d still be single at my age not having had a meaningful relationship in seventeen years? Never did like the so-called gay scene nor gay culture, to be honest with you. There is absolutely no denying, however, that I do adore men. A good man they say is hard to find, and hook up apps don’t make that prospect any easier, especially not when you’re seeking a good black man above all else.

A Good Black Man in Conclusion

My father always said that I should ask for what I want. But my friends tell me I should move to America if I want a relationship with a good black man. They point to the trend whereby black men in Britain tend not to date other black people. And they suggest that I either opt for a white guy or move back to Africa and hide in plain sight. You’ll have more chance of a long-term relationship in a homophobic environment than in these permissive western cultures, they say.

Hmm. According to the Office of Statistics, some 40,000 black gay and bisexual men currently live in England and Wales. I only want one, I tell them. Surely black men loving black men is not statistically impossible even for Britain. They look at me and roll their eyes. Drop me a line in the comment box below if any of this chimes with you or not.


  1. What a load of crap. As a gay white male living in ATL, I rarely find black men that are into my “whiteness”. Perhaps it’s the fact that I’m not in it for a hook up that turns them off. They mostly just seem to be into other black males. Either way, some one will come along eventually (whatever race). And if not, no biggie, I’m just focusing on my life. GL to y’all on your ventures!

  2. It is said that when you, yourself changes the situation will change!

    Like many, I am also a single individual and after taking a great many years to reflect on myself and what I project out to my environment. Yes, there are these problems that pervade some Caribbean men and it may be slower on the uptake but these discussions and any source of encouragement is what will help to make this break for many and plenty. I believe in good fortune and faith – so even in my senior years, I will meet someone who maybe wasn’t ready in their earlier years.

    Keep the Faith

  3. Thank you for sharing your words and powerful point of view. As a brown Indian man – I often find myself in the same conundrum… only we are not really known for our BBCs (although sometimes I wish we were so I could get some attention – if any.)

    I, too, have been alone for so long and always internalize, wondering what’s the matter with me. I, for so long, was a slave to ‘white’ beauty.. and often get upset with myself when I catch myself only looking at white men and ignoring the world of other men.

    Lately, as a 53-year-old man – I find myself looking at other men, men of colour and hoping for a connection or to even be noticed, and often they too are looking upon whiteness as if you be hypnotized. I am not sure where I go from here or what I do.

    One of the things I have done is start a group (Quest Mosaic on meetup / Facebook) for Racialized minority gay, bi, queer and trans men to come together online for free and discuss deep topics like ‘otherness’ – which we are doing today at 6pm British time. Perhaps you will join us with your brilliant insight. Topics and conversations you want on the dating sites & never get.

    Either way – your words today meant a lot – as I was sitting at home in tears, feeling so alone and hopeless. Somehow knowing I’m not alone in my struggle feels better. Thank you.

  4. What an amazing, well written, and spot-on article! I find myself mostly making the same observations and assumptions, especially before I found my partner. Before meeting my partner, who is of mix heritage, I kept telling myself I don’t think a black man would be good for me any more. Why?

    I felt that every encounter and past relationships with a black-man was an underlining issue – regardless of BBC or BBB. There was always a negative push back in some way, shape or form when dealing with them. So then I felt finding a Latin man was the answer. I learned quickly outside of sex that was another universe of complexities in itself – the idea quickly faded.

    At the end of the day, meeting my partner was the best thing in my life! Like any relationship, there are challenges, but one key thing the author mentioned was ‘dating’. Dating is important. We dated for several years before we merged our lives together. Dating, communicating, becoming friends was the highlight of the beginning of our almost decade relationship.

    Along with devotion, friendship, and a solid understanding – we find happiness with each other. What does love have to do with it, right (that was rhetorical)? At the end of the day, it’s about growing up and being adult men – love the one you are with.

  5. It was a really interesting read. Thanks.

    Let me be frank with you – I am mixed white and asian (Japanese) and have had a creeping desire for black guys going back to when I started watching interracial porn. It happened like this:

    • White woman taking BBC and loving it
    • After a while, you stop looking at the woman but the BBC
    • You wonder what it feels like to be on the end of a BBC

    And that’s how the objectification happens.

    Also it didn’t help that on my uni campus most of the girls were going for black students and I couldn’t compete. Though now I feel I can compete against the girls 😉

    The guys I have had sex with have all been nice, but they have all been black. I’m only interested in bottoming for black men. But after the heat is gone I am left feeling guilty for being a slave to my desires and also guilty for having used those men.

    Some of the guys were interested in a relationship, and I was curious about it too, but I just cannot bring myself to accept this craving of mine. In the end, I end up hooking up with this Jamaican or that American and the lust and objectification continues… The sex is so good, and I think as long as there are hot interracial videos out there you’ll always have difficulty finding a black-on-black relationship, because it’s not as relevant in the mind, no? Because a black-on-black relationship wouldn’t even be about race.

    • I’m sorry, but you pretty much represent so much that is wrong with the gay community. You are literally admitting to allowing yourself to be led by your fetishistic desires, and in the end, this has a seriously negative impact on Black gay men who desire love and respect and wholesomeness like everyone else. This is the predatory aspect that we are forced to engage with constantly. It’s reasons such as these that I am inspired to find a way to increase the visibility of Black men who are partnered with other Black men. I thank you for your honesty. But this is extremely problematic.

      P.S. I’m a Black man in a relationship with another Black man, and no, our connection is not solely based on race (like those who fetishize it), but race is still an important focal point of genuine connection for us. That’s the difference between you and I.

      P.P.S. And the sex is majorly hot, too.

  6. I find a lot of gay black men who don’ love themselves and that is why they cannot find a black soul mate or any mate. They blame it on the apps, the dating sites, the men they meet, but no one meets their standards for they are not real. The love they seek is their own and will never find it in another until they find it in themselves. So they need to quite bitchin’ like a bitch and man-up to the fact it is their FAULT! There are plenty of good black men out there who don’t want a whinning ‘you don’t love me’ nut on their hands. Just saying! Cheers!

  7. I’ve often wondered why there were so many interracial black/white couples in the UK and we in the US don’t see any imagery to the contrary from there. Believe me, it’s no Black gay “Love In” here either. Kind of a Looking for Langston moment I guess.

  8. Everything in this article is so very true even if disconcerting! ? You have hit the proverbial nail on the head, man! I question if black love exists also when there are so many freaky people out there/here too. ??

    Is there any hope of relationship for the black middle-aged gay man in Europe? Even back home in the Caribbean, it’s all about that one-time sexual encounter with sometimes some financial exchange, gay for pay. ?

    Black gays are still very closeted really because of homophobia so a relationship can be a tricky subject for many as I must admit I too have a limit, a line I will not cross. And I live in Scandinavia where it is very open here, marriage is legal.

  9. I wish to add in my defense of my undeniable seemingly innate attraction to black men when I feel very unwelcome here in this ultra interesting site is I’ve decided my desire which happens to be uncontrollable Shouldn’t I pray offend any who care not to date white men for I truly wish each an every man who I’ve read personal stories here finds they’re perfect mate as I’d hope you’d all wish me the same I’m a good guy considered handsome who works very hard who only wants a special kind of love from a very certain kind of man to cultivate and spoil rotten is that so wrong?

    • I’m sorry to hear you feel “very unwelcome here,” Edward. Blackgayblog.com welcomes readers and contributors of all description. But we are unapologetically a site for Black folks who may feel underrepresented everywhere else. Thank you for sharing your comments on my posts. Perhaps you’ll subscribe to the BGB newsletter to keep up-to-date with what’s going on. Of course, I wish you the very best life has to offer.

  10. I’m a white middle aged man from the east coast with a teenage daughter who’s mother discovered me seeing a black man intimately while her and I raised our daughter together. And I met this man by accident but quickly was hooked and compelled to see him simply by his sheer sex appeal and smoothness and not initially having anything to do with his manhood, shape or size as what most of what I gather from reading this article white men crave about black guys is limited to how big their cocks are. I truly fell in love with this guy, ruining my relationship with my kids mother and forfeiting my being able to help raise my daughter, but in hindsight, I’d do it all over again. It was a beautiful time in my life.

  11. I just finished reading this article, and must agree: there seems to be a slow extinction of black men loving other black men. I am a 34 year old man from the U.S.; born and raised in the Midwest, and I am also the product of an interracial marriage. No offense to Caucasian men/women, but my desire is for a man who truly understands. I agree about the online so-called “dating” apps being swarmed by vulturous White males and Black men with sunken mindsets. I encourage you to continue on your journey for what you want, as shall I. We shall receive our rewards. God bless!

  12. This was a very interesting article. A lot of good points, especially the one in which you say that long-term relationships only tend to happen with white men. I just ended a 7 year relationship with my partner and he was white, but for the future (cause right now I am taking a break from men to heal and focus on myself) I only plan on dating black men and finding that mate to build a long-lasting relationship ? but I really do not know how I will do that because here in Montreal (Canada) we do not have black gay community centres ? Anyways, thank you for sharing this ?

    • My point was about the lack of visible black on black male relationships rather than their nonexistence. There are many reasons why two black men in a sexual relationship might be less noticeable than an interracial male couple walking down the street. Homophobia and self-censorship are just two of those reasons.

      • Paul, if I were to be blessed enough to meet my preferred type of man and a mutual love developed between us, I would defend our union with every fiber of my being because it’s been so difficult meeting my desired type of guy, who are black men, and they are all I’m interested in meeting and it’s been that way Since I first decided I wanted to be intimate with another man. I cherish the few times I’ve had.

  13. I think this post lends itself to some great discussion. The title is a bit racy, but just enough to get one interested in reading further. I did a through skim and in some places, paused to reflect…. I think this will create a very open dialogue within our group! I’d like to get at least one other opinion before I approve.


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